Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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