i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
