she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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