I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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