worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
