Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
