in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
