how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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