final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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