I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
