swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
