Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
how drunk are you?
Several
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
