Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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