the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
