I want to have your abortion
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
