you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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