The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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