i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
