a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
