I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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