i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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