he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
