it hurts more in the daytime
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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