i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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