Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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