i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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