There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
