God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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