I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
