If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
