life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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