I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
