no, he came in my armpit
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
