The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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