Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
