Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
