I didn't shave. On purpose
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
