He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
