she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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