Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
kristin has been a bad kristin
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend