a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING