Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.