i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
