i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.