Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
