she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
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You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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