Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
