This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
