Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
