Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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