I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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