I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
