I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
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