I'm going to jail i love you
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
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no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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