we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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