About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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