I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
