its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
