I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
