nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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