thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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