I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
