I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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