DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
